Tag: self

  • The Journey

    We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
    By sea-girls wreathed in seaweed red and brown
    Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

    J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Elliott

    As I walk through the world in the morning, I walk through chores:
    Brush my teeth, feed my flesh, lift my eyes and observe the world.
    See the light watch the shadows: frightened and slightly porous
    It is braving the dark, but the darkness remains unfurled.

    Like a puppy, to no avail
    Light is chasing its own tail.
    Ceaseless effort – no rest, no sleep
    Leaves the shadows dark and deep.
    In the forest, the room, the mind
    They just move as they hide behind,
    They never diminish
    Fade out or finish.

    And the dance goes on, like a tide – as it ebbs, it flows.
    And the mind wanders off, but off what and off when – who knows?

    Oh, but time is a funny thing:
    Lucky – spiral, unlucky – ring;
    Snake consuming its own tail
    Has no future, no past, no fail.
    With no fail comes no gain – no foul.
    As ouroboros tries to howl
    It’s unable to rant and rail,
    Mouth gagged with a scaly tale…

    It is time to abandon this train of thought
    As it leaves us nowhere and profits nought.
    If I look the look, talk the talk
    Then I also should walk the walk.

    As I wend my way through the virgin wood,
    All I see are multiple shades of green,
    All I hear is hue, hue and cry of birds
    Known just by the sounds – a sight unseen.
    But my mind gets pulled from the joy sublime
    Of the sight and sound, the leaves and birds
    To the stinging nettles that intertwine
    Unremitting brambles, as sharp as words:
    “Why the fuck did I wear shorts?”

    As I focus on light and sound,
    I forget to attend to thorns.
    Joy is found, but also bound
    By recurrence of cuts and burns.
    The annoyances and the strain
    Can be taken away by train.

    The train that blurs the near spares far,
    Serenely cloudscapes through heavens glide.
    An airplane left antiseptic scar
    Amid the clouds, stumble on the ride.
    Landscape renews and we in comfort cruise,
    But dusty windows engender dusty views.

    A patch of lights through clouds gives me joy
    Untampered, instant and without words.
    It filters down softly to alloy
    Itself with shadows in subtle smooth sensations –
    The joy of pure vision midst the turds
    Of unremitting complications.

    My elasticity declines as I get older –
    Of skin and time, and arteries, and veins.
    My hands and feet – they are a little colder
    Each winter with increase in aches and pains,
    As well as other relevant increases
    In colds and flu with snottiness and sneezes.
    If snake of time contracts then what remains
    Is an attempt to stretch the space with trains.

    Ouroboros of time constricts my breath.
    As body shrinks my mind expands – and shatters
    Its dissolution congruent with death
    But also with infinity of matters.
    What cannot stretch can break and reassemble.
    Abandon frame, you all who enter here.
    Reconstituted, you will still resemble
    Yourself to others, even those near
    And dear, them, who try to fix in space
    Of ageing body time’s dissolving trace.

    At the end of the day we arrive. It’s a velvet curtain.
    The applause increases politely as curtain drops.
    At the end of the day you are feeling alive and certain.
    Your heartbeat is apparent to you just before it stops.

  • Who are you?

    First you figure out who you are not;
    then you figure out who you are;
    finally, you figure out you are not who.

  • Berlin

    My mind is sloshing in an empty brain,
    Forgotten jokes rising to the surface.
    Unbidden tears rising in my eyes,
    Unbound, unconnected and unclear,
    There is no sadness – maybe loss and mourning
    But then for whom or what?
    I am confused.
    I wade through rain and waters of Berlin,
    My mind precedes the tower of Babel –
    It grasps the meaning, but discards the form.
    The language spoken is of no importance
    And does not register or muddy
    The waters – deep and murky as they are,
    With lurking Moray eels and tiny spiders
    Who build a home from the air bubbles,
    All light and sparkle, lightness and the beauty
    Supported by a web of finest silk,
    A bubble dance distorting space and vision,
    Concealing occupant, revealing truth…
    I wander through a half-imagined city
    Of memories and loss and expectations
    With long-forgotten, longed for sense of lightness.
    This, too, shall pass.
    It’s time to gather stones.

  • Lavender Roses

    Symbolizing enchantment and splendor, these blooms are meant for royalty. One of the rarest colors, lavender roses are often a sign of love at first sight and carry an air of regality. It’s truly the perfect rose for a budding romance. [Sarah Dimarco, Veranda – poshness-aspiring magazine – March 22, 2021]

    When I was young and trusting I was told to seek and I’ll find
    My lavender roses would wait just ’round the bend.
    Around the bend I went all out in body and mind
    But roads bent and twisted and would always end in dead-end.

    I went for unaffordable and always got it for free.
    I stood on words and principles in unsustainable poses.
    They gave me what I wanted and I screamed that I disagree.
    And all that I had left to me were pure lavender roses.

    My road to salvation went south while heading North.
    A thousand bipasses appear when the straight path closes.
    While finding my direction I only tied up in knots,
    My body cut and bleeding from the thorns on lavender roses.

    I made my own way into the middle of the deep dark wood.
    I found a crystal coffin where the perfect place of repose is.
    My peace is on my terms and I have now done what I could
    But all that I have left to give are broken lavender roses.

  • The waters of eternal youth

    My well is deep and almost full of sadness,
    its waters dark, its syrupy contents
    attracting ants and flies and other creatures:
    some birds and mice that sunk under the surface,
    preserved in sugar – feathers, fur and bones,
    like little gods, demanding adoration.
    The lure so sweet: abandon hope,
    abandon disappointment, strife and effort,
    become an angel, paragon of virtue,
    of feathers so smooth, and white, and silky,
    forever undisturbed, forever perfect,
    forever still.
    Intoxicating poison
    of sugar, death and mystery fermented –
    the nectar of the gods,
    the well of legend
    containing waters of eternal youth.

  • Tsuren’s Sonnet

    Like wilted leaf it falls upon my soul –
    this day that wearied me before its start:
    interminably slow as a whole,
    unmemorably fast in every part…

    This day is full of empty conversations,
    of actions I repeat without thought,
    of petty, unimportant irritations
    that cause no pain, of deeds that come to nought.

    But in the evening burning leaves begin
    to raise the flames to empty skies, like prayers.
    I smell the acrid smoke through my skin
    with clarity and sharpness of nightmares.
    Contorted, twisted, dry, as black as coal,
    the burning autumn leaves subsume my soul.

  • Some thoughts on self-improvement

    Dedicated, with gratitude, to Yana Kane, who inspired this poem

    You set off on a difficult journey –
    the journey of self-improvement.
    You read books and attend lectures.
    You meditate and practice.
    You work on your self,
    but it stubbornly refuses to improve.
    It remains self-same,
    immutable safe-same,
    for if it changed –
    how would you feel yourself?
    With no you and no self –
    tricky!

    … but you do,
    of course you do,
    moment by moment,
    experience by experience,
    creation by creation,
    with or without a journey,
    you fashion your self
    out of current patterns
    and imagine that it was
    and that it will be.

    You cannot improve
    on something that never existed,
    but you can always change a story
    you just made up.

  • Solitude

    Without answer smiles become pathetic,
    they lose all meaning, fade into a grimace.
    The sound of a broken dripping faucet
    co-mingles with the rain and disappears.
    Like clammy shivers of persistent fever
    it permeates my body and takes over –
    my solitude.

  • Time

    Time flows through me like water through a sponge.
    It oozes away, leaving a murky sediment
    of half-forgotten feelings
    and half-imagined events.
    And endless waiting.
    Sometimes it seems that I have been waiting ever since I was born.
    Waiting
    for something to happen
    and for everything to change.
    How?
    If I knew, the wait would be over.

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